Coca-Cola® Keep Out!
Coca-Cola® Keep Out!
Despite having posted signs at the inner and outer limits of my mind that read — Stay Out! Private Property! NO TRESPASSING! — Coca-Cola® continues to send me ideas, and thus I cannot stop thinking about Coca-Cola®. In response to this continued disregard of my individual wishes that the unrelenting infiltration of unwanted ideas stop, I routinely play recorded announcements on and along the inner and outer limits of my mind emphatically decreeing: DO NOT ENTER! THIS AREA RESTRICTED! UNAUTHORIZED ENTRANCE NOT PERMITTED! I ONLY DRINK TAR WATER!
Now I know you think I am being rude, and that I should be more welcoming of foreigners into my being, but before you jump to any such critical conclusions, you need to understand I didn’t just use any voice for these warning announcements. I spent a lot of time looking for the friendliest voice to deliver these caveats. I even hired a Los Angeles based marketing firm that creates friendly voice-messages for airports and shopping malls. (The company also uses professional female artists who have done voice-overs for Disney films!) Seeing as these friendly messages did little to curb Coca-Cola’s® intrusion into my spiritual-hub, perhaps this approach to dealing with trespassing ideas was a mistake and I should have been neither accommodating nor friendly in my appeals to Coca-Cola’s® sympathies: I should have sought a much more forceful voice of admonition. But I like to consider myself to be a civil and friendly kind of guy, and my only intention was, has been, and still is to clarify that my consciousness welcomes no unwanted thoughts. (I suspect Coca-Cola® is not ready to respect my requests regardless of how I approach the issue.) It is much better to resolve conflicts without undue confrontations. (Getting my ass kicked by Syrians has taught me a lot about amity.)
After all unsuccessful polite attempts to keep Coca-a-Cola® off my personal and private property, I have hired a lawyer to sue the Coca-Cola® Company for illegal entry and advertising without permission. It is bad enough I have to see their billboards everywhere, but it is outright disrespectful that they keep entering my mind: entering the stock of my ragout! Since the Coca-Cola® Corporation holds the patent and trademark to Coca-Cola® (which by modern standards can only be an abstraction of the physical cola products on grocery store shelves) it must be true that the idea of Coke is all they want to own, otherwise they wouldn’t keep selling themselves so limitlessly consumable as cans or bottles. Seeing that the only thing Coca-Cola® really wants is the idea (of itself) then they should manage the whereabouts of these said ideas. And as you know by now, despite my continued appeal they should desist, Coca-Cola® keeps delivering me their ideas. It is therefore Coca-Cola’s® duty to keep their product, as it is a protected idea (see ®), strictly on the supermarket shelves and not in my mind. Since these ideas as patented and trademarked — the ideas with which Coca-Cola® leads us to believe are not the actual and real products of my desires but these said abstractions, are really the only thing worth having — they, Coca-Cola®, should manage the whereabouts of all related ideas: as legally owned abstractions limited to and as defined in ®. Coke® it’s the real thing.
Coca-Cola® has even spoiled Christmas for me, considering I prefer a Santa Claus clad in green, but I will not sue them for this because I like Santa regardless of the color of his suit. Coca-Cola® owns these patented ideas and trademarked images, not me, and they, therefore, not only belong to Mr. Coca-Cola’s® act of consciousness, but that’s where they should remain! Coca-Cola® has willfully and negligently entered my mind (which happens to fall within my individual self) with no prior agreement. I hereby, as a truly finite individual, accuse Coca-Cola® of repeated violation of my being and wish appropriate compensation. My lawyers will be contacting them.